So Cold

There is a song by Breaking Benjamin that came out a few years ago with this title, and even though it's not about being cold, I've been thinking about it a lot this morning after a sad night at The Mustard Seed. The lyrics that keep going through my head:

Show me how it ends, it's all right.
Show me how defenseless you really are.

My heart was crying last night for the people that walked through the doors of The Mustard Seed. Some were only wearing layers of sweatshirts, few had proper boots, and many were very cranky. I was yelled at twice last night for refusing second plates - the first time I had been yelled at (apparently, it won't be the last). I could only look at them with sympathy and understanding - what I day they must have had.

The temperatures had been hovering around -20 all day, and was dropping by the time we let the community in around 630. Stewart and I watched the window thermometer as it dropped, and the people kept streaming in from the outside, looking for some warmth, however brief. Usually by 930 there is a noticeably thinner crowd, and cleanup can begin, but a lot were hanging around last night. I watched as they gathered their blankets and headed out. One man and his girlfriend came in about 945 and he was begging for food, but we didn't have any to give - the food and hot chocolate was all long gone. I gave him some peanut butter and jam that we had behind the counter, and I saw him munching on some ice cream cones that had been left on the shelf. His girlfriend helped clean up so that they could stay a little longer, and then they gathered their blankets to head off, who knows where. I thought about them every time I woke up in the night.

And then there was Sheldon, who came in to play cards, Sheldon with the crazy curly hair, who had been the only recognizeable face in a dream I had about the Mustard Seed when I first started back in June. The dream had a winding lineup of people, and I didn't know any of them other than Sheldon, who stood out from the crowd like a bright light. Last night as I was cleaning up the tables he paused before he left, looked at me, and I just felt a call to go say good night. All I said was, "Have a good night, see you next week", and he responded in his slow way, "I'll try." There must be a reason why he was pointed out to me in that dream.

As we left, a couple came in to ask if they could use washroom, even though we were closed. Maria was angry with them, but the young guy, who I had always seen as a rough and tumble cool guy, pleaded with her, "Please Maria, I need to go pee."

Show me how defenseless you really are.

Show me how it ends, it's all right.

I can only hope it all ends up all right. How blessed I felt last night to be sleeping in a warm bed.