Early Morning

As part of my obsessive-compulsive behavior during this fitness challenge, I was up at 445 this morning to run a killer hill (twice!) before a killer strength/cardio class at 600. That's not really my point. The point is that it was so quiet at that time of morning - dark, cool, and even the highway wasn't bustling with trucks yet (as it usually is by about 530!). I left my house at 500, enjoying the silence of the morning, sputtered up and down the hill (and up again) and chugged along to the gym.

Later in the day, as part of a study I am doing, I was reading Mark and specifically the verse when Jesus awoke in the early morning to pray in a solitary place. That really struck me today. I've heard about people who get up at 300 or 400 in the morning to have their solitary God time, and what a fantastic time it would be, with the air still and quiet. Trying to "get in" God time later in the day with hustle and bustle everywhere just doesn't seem to work - it doesn't allow us to really listen to what He has to say.

I am lucky to be a morning person, and I wonder if I should use that gift to do something more productive with my time that try to burn calories so that I can lose another pound that I don't really need to lose. I will still enjoy my morning workouts, but if I'm going to be up at 500, why not use that quiet time to do some REAL good in this world?

Obsessive Compulsive

You would think that after almost 38 years on this planet I would know myself by now. I'm competitive, easily irritated, and a perfectionist. So what was I thinking when I entered a fitness challenge at the local gym? We get points for certain challenges (most points at the end wins a prize), and I've been going hard to ensure that every challenge has been completed, and was infuriated to see this week's challenges, two of which I won't be able to complete. I stormed around for a while last night, thought about quitting the challenge, and then decided to pray about it (like God wants to hear my rantings about a silly weight loss challenge in small town Alberta!).

Once I turned to face God, I soon realized how unimportant the whole thing is, and who really cares if I complete these challenges. One of them is unhealthy (in my opinion) and the other I'm forgoing to hop out to the lake on Saturday.

And so I learned a lesson last night, and slept soundly on God's advice, and realized that turning to Him in any situation makes things much better.

Off to face the day!

Purpose Confusion

Like many others, I am searching for my purpose in life. That seems to mean (in my narrow-minded world) that I only have one purpose, and I'm trying to figure out what it is. Why waste time doing something that is not my one purpose? As a result, I seem to have been scared into a corner, unwilling to move in any purposeful direction.

So when I had one of "those" dreams last night, I thought I had it all figured out. My general purpose, I think, is to help people (isn't that everyone's?). I've been trying to narrow it down to a specific group: Seniors? Homeless? Financially challenged? I thought that my heart would guide me to the correct group. My dream had me at the Mustard Seed Church, although it was a big 6+ story building (I only say 6+ because I went to the sixth floor). I parked my little car in a 30 minute parking zone but stayed too long, resulting in $600 worth of parking tickets (there's that six again). I returned another day with some blankets for the room I had visited, and was trying to fold them in a common area but was having trouble folding them (you know how dreams are), and I kept thinking, "I'm taking too much time, and Scott and the kids are waiting for me." I woke up as I was riding the elevator up to the sixth floor with my blankets.

I was sure this all meant I was supposed to go back to the homeless people. Then I received an e-mail from someone who is in dire financial straights and needs help. Now I'm not sure where the seniors fit in. Maybe in all this I have to be patient and not narrow my focus to one particular group. After all, everyone needs help in some capacity, right?

And so for today I will help the financial challenged, and Friday I'll help the seniors, and one of these days I'll make it back to the inner city, because it's calling me loud and clear.

A True Purpose

I'm doing volunteer tax returns for our town office, and Wednesday I'll be going to visit two seniors at their lodge. The thought of going there to help them (one uses a walker and is not very mobile), makes me feel content, exhilarated, and useful. The appreciation in their voices is worth more than anything I could ever be paid. Interestingly, a part time opportunity has come up in which I would work solely with seniors. I wonder, however, if I would come to resent the work that could eat up precious time. I would never want to think a negative thought about a 90 year old who is waiting for me to help them with their life. Maybe I should just keep volunteering, because the time is my own and I'm giving it - I'm not obligated. That makes a big difference.

Am I just taking the easy way out?

Friends

I've never been a person who has had a lot of friends, primarily by my own choice since I'm so antisocial. I had a great friend as a kid, until we went to different highschools and then lost touch...even though she still lived down the street. In high school I had one good friend and lots of casual friends, but then we went to University and all lost touch, even though we were in the same University. In University I had a great group of friends - graduate students who were all older than I was and took care of me like a little sister. Then they all finished their theses, moved away, and started their lives.

I have had many casual friends since then, lots of bar friends (they're easy to find!), and when we moved to Devon, lots of neighbourhood and "small town" friends. Everyone is friendly in a small town! I do, however, have one friend who was special - she is outgoing, extroverted, gregarious, quite unlike me, but like me in that she is smart and Type-A and is a thinker. She definitely has no need for extra friends, but I always felt like she truly cared about me, and I thought about the future days when we would grow older, and watch our kids grow, and maybe my kids would marry her kids, and I took for granted that she would never leave.

But, I found out today that her family is likely moving, and for an excellent reason, but it didn't keep me from mourning the loss of my buddy and crying silently to myself. I'm probably crying more for the fact that she gave me a way out of my anti-social behaviour - she was outgoing enough for both of us, and our kids liked to play together, and now I'm going to have to start all over again. Selfish, yes.

So, I guess I have to work at letting more of my casual friends into my life, opening my anti-social door, and find someone else to lean on. I wonder if, over in my parallel universe, the alternate Jo is outgoing and full of life. This Jo is just going to have to work at it.

Spiritual gift...or spiritual curse?

I'm struggling right now with my business - it's just tax preparation, so how much emotion could be involved in that? Lots, I am finding out. From the 52 year old divorced trucker to the lady who has just started a framing business, I find myself thinking about them far too often. I want them to think highly of me, so I put in so much extra effort to give them great service. But at what cost? I can't sleep, I'm always trying to think of ways to help them, and I feel guilty handing them a bill. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing a lot of this out of the goodness of my heart, but then I have to remind myself that I need to pay my mortgage and keep food on the table. Then I think that if they just would have called someone else, they probably would have received the same product (although not necessarily the same great service!) for a far lesser price. How crazy is that?

In a way I envy my former co-workers who could rattle through tax returns and couldn't care less about their clients (and often had never even met them!). But, I guess that's not me - I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that I care about everyone who crosses my path.

This is going to be a long two months!

Ego

Sometimes I wonder why our Creator made us to be self-centred and egotistic. It is so frustrating sometimes!! In a way, it makes us strive for the top and try to be the best we can, but on the way to the top it's so easy to forget the important things. I'm sure my 80 year old self would travel back and time and say things like, "Jo, it didn't matter at all whether you were the best at this or had the most of that, but what did matter is that the kids turned out okay and you fulfilled your given purpose, and the legacy will live on forever."

But still, I get a little twinge of jealousy when I hear about the other accountants in town getting clients, thinking, "Those should be my clients, I'm a CA after all, blah blah blah." Why can't I silence that little voice in my head? Maybe 15 years of hanging around with power hungry, bottom line oriented people has helped that little voice along, but it's still my responsibility to silence it.

And so my fervent prayer today is to get rid of that little voice and concentrate on my Purpose (which I'm still not sure what it is!). I have prayed for some revelation these past few nights, but instead had dreams about vampires and heavy metal bands....not too much revelation there! I've been enjoying the blue sky a little more, however, knowing that one day from that sky will come the answer.....one day.......