When Hope Trumps Logic

Wow, how time passes, and after a year and a half of being locked out of this blog, I finally figured out how to get back in.  But before I did, I read those old posts that seem like forever ago and a moment ago all at the same time.  It's now been three years since my grandparents left this earth for something far better than I can imagine, but I still think of them every day.  I long to call my grandma at the phone number I will never forget, or see her perched over the sink doing dishes in her rubber gloves.  I miss the perfect shortbread cookies at Christmas and her soft skin, and our talks at the kitchen table about everything.

I would give anything for one more game of crib with my grandpa, or one Saturday morning soccer game.  I feel sad that he didn't make it to the 90th birthday he was looking forward to, and that he never made it back to his home country.

Every Saturday my grandparents would go to Southgate Mall for a walkabout and a coffee in the food court.  We were at Southgate a couple of Saturdays ago and as I walked past the food court the first time I had a little lump in my throat.  As I walked by again just before we left, I looked over to the tables in front of Arby's where they always sat, and I was convinced that if I looked long enough I would see a flash of grey hair.  I looked away, and kept looking back, and part of me willed them to be there, but they were not.

For a moment, I really thought they would be.

The Rain, The Park, and Nick Rhodes

About three and a half years ago I had a major invasive surgery which I thought I could "bounce back" from and be back to my old self in no time.  I did try to get back to my old self, running again, entering races, doing bootcamps, but for whatever reason, my body was just not happy and I felt worse, not better.  For the past year I have just left myself in limbo, not sure what I should or could do.  I felt sad that my half-marathoning and hill running days might be over, but there's nothing like the dawn of a new year to realize that life goes on and it's time to make the best of it.

As I prepared for bed last night and laid out my running clothes for my planned "resolution run" this morning, I heard a voice in my head as I brushed my teeth:  "Maybe you should just walk."  What!?!  That was not the plan!  However, as I stepped back and thought logically (as I always do), I realized that the cons to running (knee pain, abdominal pain, feeling sick the rest of the day) far outweighed the pros (a few extra calories burned).  And so I set out on my walk this morning, 6:30 am, in a world of quiet.

That is, until I approached a house around the corner and heard voices.  Loud voices.  As I passed the open garage I saw a guy holding a beer, talking to another guy, the smell of cigarette smoke strong and flowing out of the garage into the wind.  Wow - happy new year!  I wonder if they knew what time it was.  It reminded me of the time we had a backyard fire when I was a kid, and of course the entire neighbourhood showed up.  When I woke up the next morning, two of the neighbourhood guys were still sitting around the fire.  I guess some things never change!

I continued on, thinking about a lot of things (a nice long walk is great for reflection), and I thought about the Duran Duran concert I had watched last night, which in all honestly, wasn't very good (too much new crap and not enough old stuff - they didn't even do Union of the Snake or New Moon on Monday!).  I watched as Nick Rhodes stood among the keyboards and computers, likely running tracks as he played a few notes, and I chuckled as I walked:  I'm Nick Rhodes!  Last week at church I took my first crack at running our tracks from the computer, while trying to hold transitions and also playing lead piano lines.  Exhausting, for sure, but so much fun!  As the church grows (rumblings of a fourth service continue to bubble through the masses), the need for good technology also grows, and what a great time to be getting involved!

I arrived back home after 48 minutes of pondering, hip flexors tight and my cheeks a little cold, but I don't feel sick and my body seems happy.  I think I'm going to stretch a bit and have a chai tea latte from the new Tassimo machine I bought for Scott this Christmas.

Happy New Year 2015 - I think you are going to be fun!

Steps of Obedience

At Interns class last Monday we were issued a challenge by our instructor:  To seek out and talk to at least three people that we didn't know.  Like many people in the class, I just thought, "Great, I'll be worrying about this all week!", but then as I drove home, I decided to take it as a challenge.  As I said to my Interns class this week, as introverted as I am, I am even more competitive, and so when a challenge is issued, I take it on 100%.

So I went to church last Sunday, early as usual since I was playing Keys for the umpteenth week in a row (but I get a break on the 21st - YAY!), and I planned my strategy.  First, I broke the ice by finding someone that I didn't know, but that I knew was on a team (since she had a Welcome Home t-shirt on).  It was tough enough just approaching someone I didn't know, but it worked out fine, I met her four kids, took them to kids' class, and all was great - I had a new friend!

First service began, and I thought, "Hey, I can do this" and I was so pumped through the worship set.  After first service I sought out some more people, looking for someone brand new, but I kept finding people who had been attending our church for a year or two on and off.  With three services, it's so hard to know everyone!  I still had good conversations with them, and continued to pat myself on the back for stepping out of my comfort zone.

Because it was our CD Release day, Jeremy was giving out three CDs per service to brand new people, so during second service I looked to see who he gave the CDs and targeted one of the couples at the back of the sanctuary.  At the end of the second service I saw they were getting ready to leave, so I just put on my best "Jen Blackwood Face" (Jeremy's wife who is always super positive), and walked up to them and said, "So, you are one of the lucky ones who got a free CD!"  They were a very nice couple, maybe in their late 50s or early 60s, and we had a good chat.  They had been church hunting for a while and really enjoyed our service (dub step and all!).

I was totally pumped after I met this couple, and then thought, "I'm going to meet Skye!"  Skye was a young man from Amsterdam who was getting Baptized on Sunday (it was a very full Sunday!) and I only knew his face from the Baptism videos, but I also knew he was in the Discovery 101 class, which was ending as second service ended.  So, I hopped over to their classroom and introduced myself to him and congratulated him on his Baptism.  As I played keys as the Baptisms were happening right in front of me, I was so happy that I had met him.

As I explained to my class this week, it was tough and didn't really get easier as the morning continued, but I just felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit and thought, "What's the worst that can happen?"  Honestly, most people who walk into a church are looking for some sort of connection, and as JD said in class, maybe one person taking a minute to say hi and shake their hand could make a huge difference in someone's life.

I just hope I keep remembering, week after week, to step out in obedience.

Food for My Soul

We are in the middle of the semester at Interns, and it's pretty tiring.  Imagine a full Monday evening of intense bible study, and then up early on Tuesday for a full day of Theology and book studies.  Yesterday I was feeling pretty overwhelmed, to the point of talking to myself all the way home, wondering if it was even worth it.

However, in the midst of all of my weariness, I felt like I had to go downtown.  That didn't even make logical sense, because I was so tired and really just needed to relax.  However, I headed downtown after a whirlwind hour at home, and then all Heaven broke loose.

I walked in the door of The Mustard Seed after being away for away for a few weeks and received many greetings from the community.  I then spotted Maria holding a baby, and when I walked over, realized that Stretch and his partner had had their daughter (last I saw them she was VERY pregnant!).  I held this 10 day old miracle in my arms, talking to her about the world and life, but then saw she was hungry, and returned her to her dad.  He was so proud of his Aurora.

Next I headed for the door where I saw a noticeable upset woman - she cried and asked if I would pray for her, and we went to a private corner where I talked to her and prayed over her for about 20 minutes.  By the end she was smiling, and I realized that was the first time in four years that I had actually counseled and prayed over a community member, and it felt completely natural.

On with the evening, and I joked and chatted with the usual gang, and had a great conversation with a former crack addict and alcoholic, now married and working.  He was the happiest I had ever seen him.

At the end of the night I drove home, had my usual broken night of sleep, but when I woke up on Wednesday, instead of feeling even more tired, I felt energized.  There is no logical or physical explanation for it - I have to attribute it completely to the Holy Spirit!

Coincidentally, we studied a story in Interns yesterday about Jesus and the woman at the well, and how he was so tired when he arrived, but by the end he was energized to the point that the disciples wondered who had fed him.  His response:  "My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work."

How amazing it is to experience this food!!

The Jacket

When I was about 16 our so, my mom and dad bought me and my sister new ski jackets for Christmas.  Mine was pink and very bright, and I didn't really like it, but I wore it because it was very warm.  My sister's was purple and didn't zip all the way down, but was kind of a pullover style.  When she moved out to the much warmer west coast I adopted the jacket and wore it quite often through my adult years.

Finally, about 4 or 5 years ago, I decided to buy a new winter jacket, mainly because we were at Mark's in the fall and they had their previous year's jackets on sale for about $30.  The catch was that they were pretty small jackets, which is probably why they were left over, but I am a pretty small person, so I took advantage.

We gave my sister's old jacket to the church, and I wonder if it somehow made its way into the goodwill bin (although I surely would have though someone would have bought it - it was a good jacket).  I wonder, because there is a man who comes into the Mustard Seed every week with the EXACT same coat on.  I know that coat inside and out, and it is definitely the same coat - maybe not my coat, because there were likely many of that style made, but I wonder.....

And I am so glad he has it, because it is getting colder, and that jacket is so warm.

Those Little Things

Yikes, I have taking way too long of a break from blogging, and I sure miss it.  This year I have felt such a hole in my heart as the reality of not having my beloved grandparents on Earth came crashing through as I really started to grieve.  Even just days ago I felt myself crying over the injustice of my grandpa dying so quickly after giving himself so unconditionally to my grandma in the past couple of years.

But after this month they will both be gone for over a year, and it's time to move on.  There are more things in store as I open my eyes from this slumber that has lasted so long.

I had a tiring day on Tuesday, after a full day of classes full of thinking and pondering (two book studies, a DVD study and a Faithworks discussion!), and I really didn't feel like going to The Mustard Seed.  Besides, Thursday was cheque day so it shouldn't have been busy....right?  But still I was called downtown, and still I listened, and I am always amazed at the little gems that I experience among the poor and the broken.

About a year ago a big "scary looking" man yelled at me and my co-volunteer because we wouldn't give him 5 sugars (the limit is four).  My co-volunteer was quite scared by the whole thing, but I could see the hurt in the man's eyes from a life of who knows what.  I found out his name is Tim (which immediately makes me chuckly at the thought of Tim in The Holy Grail), and I made a point to always say hi to him and call him by name.  Usually he grunted, definitely never smiled, but on Tuesday I said hi as I handed him his plate and he asked how I was.  Those were the first real words spoken to me since he yelled at us for not giving him sugar.

And then there was the man who has been coming in for dinner since I began over four years ago, always carrying a book, always seeming to be quite happy.  I remember he cut his hair about a year ago and I commented that it looked good, but I thought I was just making casual conversation.  As he left on Tuesday, he said quietly, "Between you and me, you are the only person who smiles at me when you give me a plate", and he looked at me with genuine gratitude.  I had no idea that just a smile had made such a difference for him.

It made me think a lot about what we had discussed in class on Tuesday, how there are so many broken people in the world, and yes, we want them to know Jesus, but first we have to know them as a person, and just be all that Jesus was:  kind, compassionate, caring.  We can get so bogged down by all of the crud going on in the world today, and then forget that we CAN change someone's world - just with a smile or a kind hello. 

And that is how we can change the Earth.....one person at a time.

A Happier Year

2013 started off with such promise - I had embraced yoga, was finally starting to calm my life down, and I was greatly looking forward to the coming year.  If I had known what was to come in the next 12 months I probably would have run away screaming.

February was fantastic with a trip to Disneyland and great visits with my grandparents, but by March 2nd grandma was in the hospital, never to return home.  However, her being in the hospital and my frequent visits allowed me to run into a dear friend from church, also in the hospital and also soon to be leaving for heaven.  When I heard this friend had passed on, I was so thankful to have seen and talked to her one last time.  God works in wonderful ways.

Yes, in 2013 I lost the two people I loved most in this world, and I spent five months running from and drowning in emotion, but once it was over I was so much stronger.  I feel now like they were lent to me by God for so many years, and they were in my life to coach me and guide me, to make me love others, and then continue on their legacy of generosity and empathy.  They are physically gone, but I am reminded of their lessons every day; I have memories of them all the time, and if I am really lucky, they visit me briefly in a dream.

2013 was a year of sadness but also of triumphs; I am looking forward to 2014 being a year with more triumphs, and maybe just a bit more happiness.